10 Things Your Small Town Can Do on July 4th to MAGA!

Trigger Warning: This post is satire. It is mockery. It is sarcasm. Yes, it uses some offensive language, but only to mock those who would use it in real life. I originally posted it last year. It was my first post, actually. Hope you get a kick out of it.

#1 – Have your homemade “MAGA” sign ready to go!

Have it seated in a place of honor, ready to pick up and wave in the air at a moment’s notice! You never know. There might be some libtards in the parade. Be prepared to show them who’s boss!

#2 – Insult the manhood of all heathen non-believers!

He was too quick for me to get a picture of, the little bugger, but it’s very important to have a little old man on a bright yellow motorcycle with stickers all over it saying “REAL MEN LOVE JESUS” at the front of your parade. Otherwise, how are all these fruitcake, non-Christian fairies supposed to know that not accepting Jesus Christ as your savior makes you one of the most evil, vile creatures known to us Jesus-loving macho-men – – a woman! Or, a homo, I guess.

#3 – Wrap yourself in the nearest flag!

Make sure you wear your loudest, tacky-est, most obnoxious star-spangled red-white-and-blue clothes to the parade. But, if you don’t have anything quite obnoxious enough, just find the nearest American flag and drape it around your shoulder!

#4 – Monster Trucks!!

Your parade should be mostly big, loud, gas-guzzling motorized vehicles, but if your little town doesn’t have any military tanks to parade down main street, the next best thing is, you guessed it, Monster Trucks!

#5 – Remember the true meaning of 4th of July!

America would not be what it is today without war, and lots of it. So why not remind the world again that you could kick its ass any time by making your parade mostly about thanking our veterans and active military for their service at every chance you get. Ideally, about three-quarters of your parade should be thanking our military. This has the added benefit of letting any non-military-serving, anti-war pansies feel like the unpatriotic scum that they are – – AND letting them know that you could kick their specific asses at any time, too. If there’s one thing that makes America great, it’s war. And that’s what 4th of July is all about!

#6 – American flags are not enough!

You also need a “TRUMP 2020” flag carried on horseback! 4th of July is not for everyone, and it’s specifically not for libtards who don’t support the re-election of our divinely appointed dear leader, Donald Trump. Make them feel as unwelcome and outnumbered as you possibly can! And make sure to order your Trump 2024 flag before it’s too late!

#7 – ATVs!

In addition to your parade consisting mostly of big, loud trucks, you should also have about 20-30 ATVs. The more, the better. If God wanted us to enjoy nature just by hiking, why did He invent ATVs? And even with Trump’s inspired “Energy Dominance” policy, there are still some places where the libs won’t let you drill for oil. Make up for this by insisting that you be able to drive loud, fossil fuel burning, little animal crushing, cryptobiotic soil destroying ATVs everywhere. What’s more American than that?

#7 – More Monster Trucks!

You cannot have too many Monster Trucks! I cannot stress this enough. How else are you supposed to let everyone know that you could mow down their little enviro-libtard-pansy-homo-heathen asses if you wanted to? And how else are you supposed to let everyone know how big your dick is?

#8 – Make sure you have as many people in red shirts as possible!

They should mostly be old, white people, too.

And preferably, they should all be part of a far-right-wing group of Constitutional originalists.

Because we all know America was at its Greatest in the 1790’s, am I right? Any amendments beyond the Bill of Rights are just superfluous fluff for a bunch of snowflake cry-babies. Who needs ’em!

#9 – Feel free to snicker contemptuously

No matter how hard you try to make them feel intimidated, outnumbered, and unwelcome, there are bound to be a few Jesus-hating, libtard fags in your parade. While you don’t have to boo, hiss, and openly jeer at them, although this is highly encouraged, please feel free to giggle and snort conspiratorially with your friends and family members while their one very small truck and all of five marchers go by with their laughable little sign exhorting people to READ, of all things! HaHa! READ?? Are they fucking serious?

#10 – Make sure people are very, very scared – – of a word.

And what word is easier to make people scared of than “Socialism?” There’s already been about 80 years of work put into this, so your job should be easy. Make it very clear to all of the old, white, middle class and upper middle class people at your parade that Socialism doesn’t mean expanding the rights and power of all people, but that it means taking away their rights and power and giving them to some Arab-Mexican-libtard-homo-enviro-fags instead. This oughta scare the shit out them!

In conclusion, if you want to Make America Great Again next 4th of July, put lots of big, fossil fuel burning trucks in your parade; continually remind everyone that wars are awesome and that if you’re not in the military, you don’t deserve any thanks; make a point of insulting all non-Christians; and most importantly, make sure to scare the shit out of everyone. But especially, make sure they’re scared of the word “Socialism!” ‘Cuz that’s what makes a country truly great: Fear. I think some famous dude once said something like that. “It is better to be feared than loved.” Or something like that. Who said that again? Anyway, Happy 4th of July! And MAGA, bitches!!

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